Honesty is fine, but I’ve often rejected it as the best policy. I like avoidance and vague statements. Remember the bald guy in “The Matrix”? The one who screwed over everybody because he hated eating mush, and living on a ship with a beautiful woman who only had eyes for Keanu “Chosen One” Reeves? He wanted to be put back into the Matrix, as a steak eating famous actor, with no awareness that he was a battery in a pod, fueling evil computer overlords… Because the alternative was just a lifetime on a shitty vessel, eating goop, running from robot octopi, knowing that since he couldn’t dodge bullets, he might as well cut his dick off… I wasn’t for the evil agents, or for Neo. I was team Baldy. He was tricked! Since when does taking a pill from a guy in a trench coat, lead to a lifetime of regrets; living like a post apocalyptic vagrant? Sometimes we need lies to deal with our own awful reality.

If you’ve ever been on a job interview or dated, you’re a filthy liar in fire pants. It should just be understood that any answers given under both of those circumstances, should not be believed, as they are used to trick others into hiring/fucking/loving us. I once told a guy that I was a pretty chill chick, who enjoyed reading and documentaries on capitalism… Only to be seen days later, drunk at a foam party with an (accidental) exposed boob and a bubble beard. I like to think that as a Gemini, I am a versatile and complicated creature… But mainly I’m a fibber who in her twenties liked to do multiple shots of something called liquid cocaine.  But what crazy person would continue to date a person who was an honest representation of who they would eventually reveal themselves to be? Should I just let every man know that when I’m comfortable enough, I plan on crying fairly frequently about an impressive range of topics (Racism to Being a failure)?

I’m actually pretty proud of the utter fabrications I’ve convincingly sold during a job interview. I have told potential employers that I’m a self starter who loves to take initiative… I am 35, own virtually nothing, and live in my parent’s basement. If you believed this line, and did nothing to investigate its veracity, you deserved me as an employee.  Why have I been off of  work for so long? Because I’ve been taking care of a sick relative! (Me. I am sick with sadness and fear). I’ve also said that I am looking for a job that will allow me to continue to learn and add to my ever expanding skill-set… This is only true in that I want to work in a place that allows me to catalog the flaws and idiosyncrasies of my co-workers, for the purposes of my stand-up comedy. But in every meeting I’ve had with career counselors, and employment agencies, they’ve encouraged me to embellish the truth (LIE). Apparently, everybody does this with the understanding that there is a learning curve with most jobs, and you’re really selling your potential to future employers. So we’re all con artists.

I was once out with a friend who wore hideous shoes to a party. She kept second guessing the shoes on the way to the club. Look, if you ask me if I like your shoes while in a cab… On the way to a party at 11:30 pm… When all shoe stores are closed… And we are nowhere near your closet… I’m gonna say yes. Emphatically! I might even embellish a  bit, and throw in a “So jealous! You’re ahead of your time girl… Wish I’d gone for comfort and opulence”; because I ultimately don’t want your horrible shoe choice to taint our evening. Maybe ten years from now, if you ask me about that fateful night that you stepped out in what looked like bejeweled Keebler Elf flats to a nightclub, I might hint that it was an odd choice in footwear for a person who wasn’t a sultan. But I have no desire to hurt anybody’s feelings when it doesn’t matter; and when there is absolutely nothing they can do about it.

Sometimes lying is best when speaking with a person who I ideologically do not respect. That isn’t to say I won’t have a worthwhile conversation with somebody whose opinion I don’t agree with. I just think some points of view belong to idiots. If you want to debate the validity of eugenics; an unenthusiastic “Interesting”, is coming your way. Life is too short. I could die tomorrow! I’m not arguing with anybody’s racist uncle about whether or not Black Lives Matter.   

HERE’S A POINT FORM LIST OF LIES I DO NOT REGRET:

• Smiling and nodding while being forced to listen to somebody’s horrible music… While they watch. (“I like how you’ve integrated whale sounds into the melody”).
• When talking to Jehovah’s Witnesses (They will seldom try to convert a Wiccan)
• Telling a persistent guy that I have no interest in, that I have a boyfriend.
• Accidentally destroying a 5 year old’s sandcastle, and telling them it was the sea.
• Agreeing that the child of an acquaintance is a genius. (I will never care about how smart your kid is)
• Telling a guy I never plan on fucking again that I came; so the night can just end.
• Telling a bad kisser that I was scared of how much I could fall for him… And that I had to end things to protect my heart. (He wouldn’t listen to my gentle suggestion that he should stop licking my fucking face.)
• The time I told my parents I was doing Stage Crew training all summer, instead of admitting that I failed math and had to go to summer school… Their general disinterest in my extracurricular life sponsored that whole lie.
• 5 out of the 7 times I pretended to be happy to be a bridesmaid.
• Every single time my dad asks me what I want to do with my life.

I have had plenty of lies backfire, usually the ones I tell myself (He loves me, the circumstances are just wrong, I’m over him… That all counts as one lie), so I’m not suggesting it’s always the way to go… I just believe that lying can’t be ruled out as an occasionally good choice. Fact: Everybody lies. And people who claim to be “too honest”, are usually horrible, and nobody likes them. I used to go to school with a girl who prided herself on her ability to tell it like it is (We dropped a bucket of pig’s blood on her at prom and she telekinetically set the gymnasium on fire… JK! It was regular cow’s blood). People regularly avoided speaking with her, because perpetually keeping it real is rude. In hindsight, she may have had a personality disorder… Or perhaps she was just an asshole. All I know is that she always pointed out my zits and gave me unsolicited advice on how to have clear skin… Like washing my face, or seeing a doctor… I suppose I could have honestly told her how I felt; perhaps ending the chain of cruelty disguised as honesty… But having an assertive confrontation goes against everything I hold dear. Much better to hold a 20 year old grudge, and hope that she was hit with a really bad case of adult acne (or a bus).